General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than
a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks
to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short
buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May
be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.
Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything
mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.
Captain
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Doggy paddles. Mumbles to self.
Lieutenant
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three
times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.
2nd Lieutenant
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket
and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Stutters.
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely
supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside
buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.
Sergeant-Major
Catches hyper sonic armour piercing fin stabilized discarding
sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots
tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
Is God.
